Dear diaper manufacturers of the world…
June 5th, 2007 by Scott
Dear diaper manufacturers of the world,
I know you have invested a lot of money in the concept of “absorption.” I realize your diaper can hold over three 40s of Colt 45 without problem. And while I’m amazed by this scientific achievement, this feature is not what I need out of a diaper.
To be honest, I’m not worried about pee at all. I’m a parent for Pete’s sake. I’ve been peed on more times than I can count. Pee is nothing to me. I laugh at pee. Not to mention, I don’t need to leave my kid in a diaper for 48 hours. I travel with more infrastructure than most armies. I am not short diapers. I’m not short places to change diapers. I can change my kid’s diaper with one hand, riding a unicycle, while doing shots of tequila.
So what do I care about? What do I need from a diaper? A industrial strength poop seal. Poop is my kryptonite. Poop gets on my cloths and never leaves. Poop often smells worse than napalm, and can take paint off walls. Poop has made my eyes water. So when I go to change a diaper and find that my child has poop all the way up his back, it makes me cranky. When I lay him down on the changing table, and find he is taking a poop mud bath all the way to his wrists, it makes me unhappy. When I find Hazmat has shut down access to my house because of an exploded toxic poop diaper, I’m not having a good day.
So how about it? How about we focus on the real problem here? How about if we fight the poop inside the diaper, so we don’t have to fight it outside of the diaper? I don’t need you to absorb the next flash flood. I don’t need the diaper equivalent to the seventh razor blade. Just keep that poop contained. Please. Do it for the children.
Yours,
Scott Johnston
5 Responses to “Dear diaper manufacturers of the world…”
Word. I didn’t know napalm smelled as bad as poop. Now I feel even worse for those poor Vietnamese. Even if it can’t be contained I would settle for it being “fixed” so it doesn’t smell like when you prep a cadaver. Note to self: Set up Biz Dev meeting between Pampers and Mortuary.
I’d like to second that motion.
I believe that the diaper manufacturers, makers of baby clothes (as in “well, that outfit is toast, better buy another), and the company that produces “Spray and Wash” are in kahoots.
Dammit, I should have known it was a conspiracy. It is always a conspiracy.
The only time I have had these explosive poop experiences is with disposable diapers… I hate putting my kid in them because I know that he will indeed poop and I’ll will want to throw the outfit in the trash. Thankfully disposable diapers are few and far between in my household… we use cloth pocket diapers (there are a bunch of kinds, but we use Fuzzibunz). They rock for a bunch of reasons, but mostly because we avoid the poop explosion.
I used to think that we were global conscious (Mary, please don’t be mad), but when I think about the tons of blankets, clothes, sheets, socks, onsies, jammies, stuffed animals, pacifiers, towels, washcloths, area rugs, toys,–i could go on—that we simply threw out instead of washing b.c poop exploded on them, I realize we are much more poop conscious than environmentally conscious…shoot!!!